Conversations with My Subconscious

08 April, 2003 || 13:41

You know, it's very rare that I remember my dreams. Most of the time, they're really boring. Occasionally I'll get something cool, though, like the time that I was dreaming, and conscious of the fact. I was asleep, but my eyes were open and I could see my room as well as what was going on in my head, which seemed nearly as real. Strange, ne?

And it's even more rare that I dream about anyone I know. So the three dreams I've had this month are kinda starting to weird me out. Particularly because they involve her.

I don't care about her anymore. It pisses me off that she doesn't give me any respect, but that's her problem not mine. I know I'd be better off not thinking about her, not giving her the dignity of having any place in my life at all. SO WHY WON'T MY EFFING SUBCONSCIOUS LISTEN?! I've had three dreams about her, and they all amount to the same thing, but I don't know what to make of them at all.

In real life, she knows my friend Dimas. In the first, Dimas came to me after he had dinner with her and Lady More, Suzaku's roommate, (who is our friend in real life as well) and told me that she had "decided to stop hating" me. It sounds really weird, but it is what happened. (Told ya my dreams were boring.) That one was so real that at first I thought it actually happened.

In the second, I was at a party at Andrew's house. She was there too. She needed a ride back to campus and I was the only one who'd driven and was sober, so I drove her. There was icy silence the entire way back, until we got near to campus and I started talking to her. I told her I didn't care if she never spoke to me again, I just wanted to know what I'd done that was so wrong that I deserved this kind of treatment. She didn't react. Then, right as we were pulling into the parking lot of Kinsolving, she did something very out of character: she backhanded me. Then she started shouting at me telling me that I did so many things wrong and why couldn't I have done things right, and why did I have to be suck a f***up... End of dream. One thing that was kinda scary was that about two weeks later, we both were invited to a party at Andrew's house. Neither of us went.

The third was last night. I was in her room, which was weird enough. I've only been in there once in real life, and that time Lady More swore that it'd be ok, that Suzaku wouldn't be there until at least two hours after Dimas and I had gone. That ended up not being the case, and was quite awkward. Anyway, in the dream, what was even stranger was that the two of us were in there alone. Not in a million years would that have ever happened. And so she looked up at me from her desk and told me she was unblocking me from AIM and that really things didn't have to be so weird. End of dream. Now I'm pissed.

Why is my subconscious torturing me like this? I don't care if she doesn't like me. I would like to know why, but at this point I've accepted the fact that I never will. I've moved on since then; I've had nothing to do with her for nearly a year. So why is her spectre still pissing me off even now? Please, subconsious, will you give me a little bit of peace? You know we'll both be happier if you do.

Sub: I don't care. I'm a mean little sumbitch and you don't let me out enough.

Me: Fine! Be that way you little spaz, but you're only hurting yourself.

Sub: Yesh! But that means I'm hurting you too. And that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Me: You're a twisted little bastard.