The sins of the '80s

05 April, 2003 || 11:53

Ok, I saw Footloose last night. Yes, I even paid for the privilege. No no, it's not like that! It was at the Alamo Drafthouse, courtesy of Mr. Sinus Theatre. Tell me something here: HOW IN HELL DID THIS MOVIE GET TO BE SO POPULAR?! Let alone the iconic '80s movie that it is...

Analysis: Plot: There isn't one, really. Ok, there is, but it's really shallow, and quite ridiculous. I just don't see why Ren (STIMPY!) is supposed to be such a hero. He dances. Oooh. Aaah.

Also, don't you think that if our friend the minister found out that his daughter wasn't a virgin, he would've given a stonger reaction than that? I mean for cryin' out loud, he's banned rock music and dancing because it corrupts our darling children's precious little innocent minds and drives them to do wild, crazy, kinky things that surely God will rain down fire and judgment on us for! Because after all, our kids don't like, have a free will or anything. Anyway, I think he'd've done a little more than basically saying "Oh. Crap."

A bit off the subject, and a little more important, is this burning question that Footloose merely brought fresh to my mind: WHAT THE HELL WERE WE THINKING FOR 25 YEARS?! The late '60s, the '70s, the '80s, the early '90s... Did we really lack that much fashion sense? Ok, the late '60s weren't THAT bad. It would've been better if mod had stayed in style a little longer though. Then we hit the '70s. Can we say burnt orange and avocado green? Yeah, I know, I go to UT, but that's not the orange I'm talking about. You know it when you see it--I can't really call it anything other than 1973 orange. And everyone understands EXACTLY what color I mean. Then there were the leisure suits, the start of a long list of horrible clothing. And in the automotive world, we had the Landau Roofs and the portholes. Then there was the music. A lot of the rock was great, and I listen to it. But let's face it, disco was a bust. It was good while it lasted, and there are even a few classics, but the problem is that there was a whole lot of terrible disco, in particular, and I know that there'll be people calling for my head on a platter for this, the Bee Gees and their ilk. However, the real problem was not as much in the music itself as how it poisoned the pop of the '80s, which was really evident in Footloose. Mr. Sinus Theatre was right, it's hard to be angry when you're listening to a synth. Or at least one that sounds like that anyway.

The '70s and '80s both had the same truly awful fad: ridiculous amounts of bizarrely colored eyeshadow, with absurd amounts of blush to match. The makeup was bad in Footloose, but not as bad as it was in a lot of things from the '80s. I downloaded a vintage Whitney Houston video this morning, "I Wanna Dance with Somebody". Ick. That encapsulates perfectly the makeup problem, and brings us to a new one, this time not mostly a woman's problem, but borne equally by both sexes: hair. Boy did we EVER have big hair back then. But the bigness wasn't the problem so much as the crimping, teasing, and feathering. Why did we torture our hair so? Even still, that is preferable to the mullet (which makes me cringe) and worse still, the rat tail. Ya know Vanilla Ice had one of those? They were playing some lovely vintage '80s-90s vids before the movie. Vanilla Ice REALLY makes me appreciate Eminem.

Ooh, and I forgot about Milli Vanilli, which was probably a good thing. Their hair wasn't as much of a problem. It was the "Shoulders as big as a football player's because of all the pads and BIG honkin' shoes" look.

But now that I think about it, we're not much better off now. We already say the same kinds of things about our current pop culture sensations, both in music (not only the pop stars, but also the mainstream alternative group too), and our TV and movies crowd. I guess maybe we're doomed to look goofy forever. And yes, I did say "mainstream alternative".