Stream of Unconsciousness

2002-10-10 || 4:12 p.m.

And so I sit here, postponing my work even more. Much weighs heavily in this small mind of mine, and yet for some strange reason, I feel unusually taciturn. Happy? Nah. But I feel a peace that I do not think I should feel. Oh well, that's all you're getting out of me on that topic that I'll not now discuss. On to the inanity.

You know, I never felt stupid until I got to college. Let me rephrase that; it sounds as though I acted like I knew everything when I was in high school. I did. I still do. But yet I feel so dumb. When did I start rejoicing for Cs on my tests? Oh, I remember: when I took Calculus II and Physics I at the same time. That was so demoralizing. Why do they do that to us? And why do I feel like deleting everything that I type? I mean, I could (and have) gone on for hours about how incredibly stupid it is to try and break us my making us kill ourselves just to earn Cs and Ds. And yet I don't feel like typing. I don't feel much like anything right now. Not eating, not sleeping, not watching a movie, not curling up into a fetal position and wishing the world would go away. I feel entirely content to sit here wrapped up, completely surrounded by my music. I'm almost trance-like when I listen, like the world doesn't exist, just sitting here and enjoying a work of audio wonder. I feel greatly disturbed when it goes off; extremely uncomfortable. It's almost unnatural. Perhaps I just don't like thinking about life right now. When there's no music, I have space to think. That would actually explain a lot of things.

I feel bad about feeling bad. My problems don't amount to much. I've never known real hardship, and even though my parents stuggled financially when I was young, I've always had enough to eat, clothes to wear, and a place to sleep. I've grown up where I was able to think for myself and choose my own religion, or even whether or not to practice one. I have been and am being educated. And this irritating cough I've been suffering from for two solid weeks is about the limit of my difficulties with health. I have a God who loves me. I suppose I should be grateful. And indeed I am. I think about it now, and what was it that made me so blessed? I'm not sure. But I'll be glad for it. I just feel bad about being vaguely depressed when I've got it so good. Oh wait. Engineers aren't supposed to be this philosophical. My apologies. Back to work.