Count thy blessings, dude.

2002-09-02 || 7:57 p.m.

To: jrsharpe.diaryland.com:

Get used to it. Let me tell you something: people aren't real nice, especially when love gets involved. At least Erika's still willing to talk to you, and one step better, willing to take the initiative and call you. Let me tell you what happened with Suzaku:

We were friends. Good friends. I really enjoyed her company, and she seemed to enjoy mine. She seemed to care about me; she checked on me after I missed a class we took together to see if I was ok. We had a lot of fun together, and got to know each other really well. I thought she was the ultimate girl/woman/whatever you want to call her. So, on her birthday, I asked one of her friends to let me in to her dorm, so I could slip a rose into her room anonymously. She never said anything. I was afraid she never got it.

That Friday, she and Miss Lisa and I all went out to a movie, and got dinner. When I got back to my room, Suzaku sent me an aim asking me to come over, and I did. Later that night, I asked her about the rose (which was sitting on her desk). She smiled and said she had no trouble figuring out who it was from.

We continued being friends, and our practice of going to breakfast in Kinsolving two or three times a week. Things started happening. Tiny things no-one else would have noticed. What you have to know about Suzaku to understand this is that she does not touch people. She has a very well-defined sense of personal space that you do not violate. She started hugging me. Once, she leaned on me. She never had before. I thought that meant something. Something good.

When I finally worked up the guts to actually tell her what I felt about her(read entry number two), I was surprised to learn that she did not feel the same way about me. She told me I was one of the three closest friends she'd ever had, and wanted to remain friends, and only friends. That hurt; I felt like I had been lead on for a month. But it's her choice; what was I gonna do?

I later tried contacting her a few times, but never got a response. I eventually said to myself that if she wants to talk to me, she'll come to me.

The day before I moved back to Austin, I became suspicious that she had blocked me on aim. I decided not to think about it; it hurt.

The following Tuesday, I went to Gone to Texas with a couple of friends. I saw her. Only her. It was like she was all I could see. I felt really pathetic; she'd already established that she wanted nothing to do with me, so why did I let her keep bothering me? Is that what she wanted? Or does she just not care, and I'm reading way too much into this? I felt like a lost puppy, complete with the sad puppy eyes.

The day after that, I received my confirmation: she'd blocked me. I was angry then. Not so much because she blocked me; I'd gotten used to the fact that she never wanted to speak to me again. I was mad because 1.) she was too cowardly to tell me that she never wanted to see me again; 2.) she thought I was too stupid to notice; and 3.) we had been friends, ok? Did I mean so little to her, as a friend and nothing more, that I was disposable? THAT is pain. Count your blessings dude; at least Erika cares about you enough to offer you advice about your life. Heck, at least she cares about you enough to TALK to you. That's more than I ever got.